The Morning After
by MercuryPilgrim
Summary: Captain Hitsugaya isn't particularly sociable on the best of days. He's downright awful when he's got a hangover. Ichigo will find this out the hard way. Rated for a seriously hung-over Toshiro's mouth. Come on, you know you want to read it.


_Disclaimer: _I do not own Bleach or any of its affiliates. Anything that you recognise is property of its respective owners. Any relations to persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

_Base/s:_ Bleach

_Title: _The Morning After

_Summary: _Captain Hitsugaya isn't particularly sociable on the best of days. He's downright awful when he's got a hangover. Ichigo will find this out the hard way. Rated for a seriously hung-over Toshiro's mouth.

_Music used for inspiration:_ Burn it to the Ground, Next Go Round – Nickelback, Riot, Overrated, Are you Ready – Three days Grace, Supermoves – Overseer

* * *

"Where the hell is he?" Ichigo groused.

They were sitting around the table in the kitchen of a house loaned to Shinigami stationed in Karakura for long periods of time. The house was reasonable; three bedrooms, all singles, a living room turned into an office space and the kitchen-diner that they were currently congregated in.

"How should I know? I'm not psychic." Renji shot back, just as annoyed as his friend.

Orihime twiddled her fingers, looking worried.

"Do you think he's alright?" she asked.

Uryuu answered her, his voice tight.

"I'm sure he's fine. It's not like he can't defend himself." He comforted her. "What I want to know is why he's late, he's usually very punctual." He pushed his glasses further up his nose.

"Matsumoto isn't here yet either." Renji pointed out. "Maybe something happened-"

Ichigo butted back in.

"Seriously? They're only upstairs! What could they have possibly gotten into getting from there to here?" he asked incredulously.

Rukia glowered at him.

"Ichigo. Stop asking us questions we aren't likely to know the answer to. If you want to know so much, go up there and ask!" She scolded.

Trademark scowl firmly affixed to his face, the substitute shinigami got up from his chair and made to do just that.

"Fine! I will!"

Just as he was about to climb the stairs, he was knocked flat by another person coming the other way.

"Oh! Sorry Ichigo!" A rather dishevelled and worried looking Rangiku Matsumoto apologised to the groaning lump on the floor.

"S'ok." He mumbled before snapping back to his usual self. "Watch where you're going next time! You almost flattened me!"

"Aww, poor strawberry, do you get knocked over by the big bad shinigami?" Rukia cooed in a baby voice, teasing.

"Shut it midget. Don't call me that." He rebuked. He turned to Matsumoto. "Where the hell is Toshiro?" he asked, ignoring the homicidal look on his dark haired friends face.

The tenth division lieutenant looked nervously at the stairs as though they were going to come alive and eat her.

"Ooh, don't call him that!" she fretted.

Ichigo raised an eyebrow.

"Why not?" Matsumoto had never scolded him for it before, why start now?

"If he hears you..." she trailed off, looking nervous at the very idea. "He's in a bad mood. A very bad mood."

Ichigo scoffed.

"He's always in a bad mood."

She shook her head, sending strawberry blonde tuffs of hair bouncing around her face.

"No, he's in a really, _really_ bad mood. He's, well... he's got a _massive_ hangover." She admitted.

Ichigo's jaw dropped. He wasn't alone.

"What?" Renji managed to splutter. "A hangover? Seriously?"

Rangiku nodded. "A bad one too."

"But I thought he hated alcohol!" He protested.

She gave him a funny look, as though he had said something weird.

"He doesn't hate all alcohol. He just hates sake. That's partially my fault..." she trailed off looking slightly guilty. "Anyway, as I recall, he consumed a considerable amount of watermelon shots last night."

"Shots?" Ichigo repeated faintly.

Rangiku nodded, she was seemingly unaware of the disbelief in the expressions of those around her.

"Yeah, I sort of dragged him with me. I was dared by Ikkaku you see. If I could get my Captain to come and actually consume alcohol, he would buy my drinks for the whole night." She explained. "Well, he came and he wasn't particularly happy with me." She looked sheepish. "Ikkaku kept getting him madder and madder so Captain eventually challenged him that if he could drink a whole big shot without spluttering or choking or anything, he could go home. Obviously he accepted, you know Ikkaku. Oh it was hilarious!" She appeared to have forgotten her earlier nervousness. There was a big grin on her face.

"He kept raving about how he was drinking poison and how it was _so_ awful. Imagine Ikkaku, beaten by a watermelon shot! Captain had this smug look on his face. I couldn't stop laughing! Then he got mad of course, loosing like that. Challenged my Captain to a drinking contest. Said that a _kid_ couldn't handle it. I guess you can image my Captains reaction to that."

They could. It wasn't pretty. "Long story short, they both passed out and we weren't in any state to tell who won, though both of them swear they did. I'd like to think it was my Captain, but I'm not sure. He _did_ seem the most coherent before he passed out..." She shook her head.

"Wow." Renji seemed unable to articulate more.

"Yeah." Ichigo agreed with him in the same fashion.

There was a noise from upstairs. Matsumoto froze.

"Quick! There are some things you need to know when dealing with my Captain when he's hung over." She said quickly. They all listened intently to her words.

"Right. Number one. Don't call him anything other than Captain Hitsugaya. Just don't. Number two, keep your voice down and never, _ever_ forcibly Flash Step him anywhere." She shivered, evidently remembering some past horror. "Number three. Treat him like a live bomb." She got some funny looks and she frowned at them. "Seriously. He could go off any minute and anything might set him off. If he _does_ explode, there's nothing you can do save get out of the blast zone." She shook her head.

They heard footsteps descending the stairs slowly. They looked at the staircase with mild apprehension and interest. Ichigo has a scheming glint in his eye that, had the others been paying attention to him, would have warned them he was going to do something very, very stupid.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Matsumoto cried, quietly of course as the footsteps drew ever closer. "Don't comment on his language."

"What?" Renji was confused. "Does he speak in French or something?"

Uryuu couldn't believe the stupidity emanating from his companion. Unfortunately, he didn't get the chance to reprimand him because at that moment, Hitsugaya walked through the doorway.

Frankly, the short Captain looked like hell. He heaved himself over to the table and flopped in a spare chair. He groaned.

Ichigo had a look of unholy glee on his face. Uryuu, the most perceptive of the group, noticed this and made a move to silence the substitute shinigami. He was too slow.

"Hello Toshiro!" Ichigo said loudly with forced cheer. His voice was especially loud. There was a huge grin on his face, at odds with his usual scowling visage. "Isn't it a wonderful morning?"

Rangiku looked horrified and made frantic hushing motions from behind her Captain and Rukia was looking at him like he was just announced he was going to skydive without a parachute. Renji and Orihime winced. Uryuu put his head in his hands and gave up then and there.

Hitsugaya cracked open and eye and glared. The effect was heightened by the dark circles under his eyes and the unnatural paleness of his usually tan skin.

"Kurosaki..." he said warningly, his voice gravelly and uneven.

"The sun is shining, the birds are singing! I feel great, don't you?" Ichigo upped the volume.

Hitsugaya winced. Ichigo's grin widened by a couple of teeth.

"Kurosaki!" The diminutive Captain hissed with venom, "Shut. The fuck. Up. I'm in no mood to deal with your shit today."

Ichigo gaped at him. Orihime went red and Renji covered Rukia's ears protectively in case anymore outbursts were to follow.

"Woah there Tiny Toshi! Mind your damn language!" the orange haired teenager said.

Matsumoto looked like an army of Menos was coming their way. And their Zanpakuto's were mysteriously missing. And Flash Step was somehow broken.

The level of killing intent went up by several notches. Wild reiatsu frothed and flickered with barely restrained pressure. Renji, Orihime, Rukia and Uryuu back away. Matsumoto was already at the door.

Hitsugaya growled. Human (or in this case, Shinigami) vocal chords should not be able to make such a noise. It wasn't physically possible.

"What the fuck did you just say?" each word was clearly enunciated. "Because I _thought_ you might have called my something that was not my rank and then made a reference to my height. But you didn't, did you Kurosaki? Because you know if you did, I'd fucking well eviscerate you right here and feed your fucking bones to a hollow! They wouldn't even know it was me, I'm sure there are plenty of people willing to kill you off, It can't be difficult to find someone to take the credit considering your _charming _personality." He snarled.

Ichigo blinked. Wow.

"Oi! What the hell Toshiro?" he asked.

"It's Captain Hitsugaya!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. What's up with the swearing?"

Hitsugaya winced again as Ichigo's voice grated against his over sensitive ears.

"If you have something to say Kurosaki, say it quietly." He ordered.

Ichigo snorted.

"Why the hell should I?" he asked insolently.

"Because I damn well asked you to!" was the angry response.

"Yeah, like I said, why the hell should I?"

Uryuu winced. He wasn't going to help. Ichigo was digging his own icy grave.

"Are you deliberately trying to piss me off? Are you?" The short Captain demanded, holding his head.

"What gave you that idea?" The sarcasm was not lost on the Tenth Division Captain. The others could clearly see the amusement written on Ichigo's face.

He glared.

"Listen Kurosaki. Right now, my head feels like Zaraki is having a free for all in it. My memory is pretty much fucked; I have no idea what I did after the fifth glass. I feel like I'm about to throw up and really, seeing your face isn't helping."

Renji and Rukia both hid sniggers behind their hands. Matsumoto let out a giggle but stifled it before she was made a target of either of the temperamental shinigami.

"You are such an asshole!"

"When did I ever deny it?" Came the answer. "Besides, the same could be said of you. Hypocrite."

"I am not!" Ichigo protested.

"I am not about to get into an 'Am not!' 'Are too!' argument with you Kurosaki. While you may be perfectly happy to stoop to that level, I am not. It's childish and inane." Hitsugaya said. He was about to ask Matsumoto what was on that days agenda when Ichigo made his last mistake.

"Sounds like you'd do well at it then!"

"What?" The word was not a question, more like a straight demand.

"I said: You'd do well at it." He said slowly, as if speaking to someone very dense. "You know, being a _child_ and all." Ichigo smirked down triumphantly. He hadn't had this much fun in _ages! _Nobody really knew what was the final straw that day. It may have been the loudness of the substitute shinigami's voice, it may have been the comments that had built up, it might have been the smug looking smirk. Or it was possibly the fact that Ichigo had to look down to see the little Captain. To this day, no-one knows. All they _do_ know is; all hell broke loose.

_Wham!_

Ichigo reeled back, clutching his nose and looking incredulously at the smaller figure.

Hitsugaya was on his feet, his chair pushed violently behind him and his fists were clenched at his side. One of these fists had just smashed into Ichigo's face.

"Say that again Kurosaki, I fucking dare you!"

He didn't get an answer. An audible one anyway, he did however, get a kick in the stomach.

Orihime wrung her hands together as she watched what was fast becoming a brawl.

"Shouldn't we stop them?" she asked.

Renji scoffed.

"Nah, let 'em fight. Serves Ichigo right, baiting Captain Hitsugaya like that." He watched with mild interest as an orange headed body sailed past them and smacked his head on the sink.

Rukia whacked him. Ignoring his cries of protest, she glared at him.

"Idiot! Do you want them to kill each other?"

Matsumoto sighed.

"So troublesome."

Uryuu pushed his glasses further up his nose. It looked like Ichigo had the upper hand in this fight.

There was a crash and both combatants tumbled through the double doors that lead to the large garden area that had been converted into a training ground. It was hidden with Kidou from human eyes.

After series of thumps, a few crunches and some shouted expletives, they followed.

The two were standing, both looking rather the worse for wear at either ends of the large area. Suddenly Hitsugayas face broke out into a slightly disturbing smirk.

He stretched out a hand.

Matsumoto let her head fall into her hands. She mumbled something that sounded rude and Renji asked what was going on.

"Ichigo's gonna die." She explained, not lifting her head.

"Wha-"

"_Hadou: four, Byakurai!" _

Ichigo's eyes widened and he flung himself out of the way of the bolt of white lightning seared the ground where he had been standing.

Renji raised an eyebrow.

"Why is it that everyone can do that except me?" he asked, mostly to himself.

"My Captain is damn good at Kido. This will not end well." Rangiku moaned.

"C'mon Toshiro! I'd say this is unfair but I would be insulting myself! Is that all you've got?" Taunted Ichigo as he nimbly evaded another white bolt.

"Not by a long shot. _Hadou 31: Shakkahou!" _

Red light thundered from the diminutive Captains palm. This too was avoided. And then next one, and the next. By now, Ichigo was getting cocky.

"Honestly Toshiro, even Rukia can do better than that!"

Said shinigami looked inclined to leave Ichigo to the mercy of a pissed off Captain.

"You forget I'm a Captain Kurosaki. _Hadou: sixty-three, Souren Soukatsui!" _

Ichigo's eyes widened.

The twin rays of blue fire scorched the air as they roared toward the orange haired teen. He threw himself out of the just in time and the on lookers swore they could smell burning.

"What the f-"

Before Ichigo could complete his sentence, he was forced to do what looked like a little pirouette to avoid more blue fire. This wasn't good. It was only a matter of time before he was hit, and it looked like it would be damn painful if he was. He thanked whatever gods might be paying attention that Toshiros aim was evidently worse in his current state. As he dodged another anger imbued spell, a tiny portion of his mind pointed out that this might not have been such a good idea.

Matsumoto looked on in horror. If Ichigo died, there would be paperwork! That was unacceptable!

However, she need not have worried.

At that moment, two people came through the wreckage of the double doors, the one in front, perfectly timed to have a ray of overpowered blue fire shoot very close to his nose.

Ikkaku Madarame froze. His life, and subsequent afterlife, flashed before his eyes.

Yumichika peered out from over his shoulder.

They looked at the scene before them.

The training ground was in shambles. There were sizeable craters littering the floor and smoke hung in the air. A small crowd of people, including their drinking buddy stood watching the spectacle. The spectacle being one frantically dodging substitute shinigami and one hung over and fully pissed off Captain of Squad ten.

Ichigo had looked round at the slight disturbance and that had cost him. With a sound that sounded like a 'hurk', he threw himself to the floor to avoid a blast that would have taken his arm off. The landing looked rather painful.

"Madarame!" he yelled, "Why the hell did you have to go and get him drunk huh? Now look, he's trying to kill me!"

Ikkaku stared.

_What. The. Hell?_

Yumichika was hiding a giggle behind a delicate hand as Ichigo let out a very feminine shriek as his sleeve caught fire.

Ikkaku let his eyes drift towards Hitsugaya who stood, not having moved from where he fired the first spell. In short, the Captain looked damn scary. In addition to his hang over induced makeover, he was sporting a rather maniacal grin and a slightly crazed look in his eye.

"So Kurosaki, how much of a kid am I now? _Hadou: 54, Haien!"_

Ichigo threw himself ungracefully out of the way of the disk that sliced through the air only to impact and explode in a fireball.

"What the fuck Toshiro? You're insane! And why isn't anyone _helping_ me?"

He jumped over another disk.

"Shouldn't we... you know, help him?" Yumichika asked, although not sounding hugely concerned.

Renji waved his hand indolently.

"Nah, idiot went out of his way to piss the Captain off. What kind of moron would deliberately bait a hung over Captain? Especially one with a temper like Hitsugaya?"

Ikkaku nodded. It made perfect sense to him.

Orihime bit her lip. Rukia was apparently illustrating the fight while Uryuu was looking on in vague interest. Matsumoto had an excited look on her face. Not that she was relatively out of the danger zone, it was much more fun to watch her Captain wreak havoc on the- well he certainly wasn't poor (idiot), substitute shinigami.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and the world froze. Looking as one towards the noise, they immediately ceased their former actions and took in the devastation. They exploded into action.

By the time they were done, and it was an impressive time indeed, the person at the door was getting rather impatient.

Orihime opened the door and thanked the salesman profusely for taking the time to give her his leaflets. She closed the door after he had left, and sighed, leaning against the closed door. She went back to the kitchen.

They sat round the table in slightly companionable silence, Matsumoto was handing a mug of tea and a packet of tablets to her Captain who took them gratefully.

"So, you feeling better now Toshiro?" Ichigo asked, stressing the name.

Hitsugaya gave him a spine chilling look.

"Don't call me that. And don't you think I've forgotten what you said either." He threatened.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Now you're human again I can finally tell everyone our plan for the day."

"Whatever. Like you were going say anything intelligent." Toshiro drawled, no-one missed the sarcasm.

"I'll kick your ass!"

"Oh what_ever._ You act like you _didn't_ just get your ass handed to you."

"What the hell? I fail to see anything to say I lost! In fact, I think _you_ lost!"

"Please, do keep deluding yourself Kurosaki, it's most amusing."

"I won dammit!"

"You didn't even get close."

"I gave you a black eye!"

"I gave _you_ a black eye as well you imbecile."

"Yeah well! I gave you a split lip!"

"I' pretty sure I gave you a bloody nose and a concussion, but maybe that's just your natural state."

"I'm going to kill you!"

"You tried that remember? It didn't work so well."

"It was _you_ who was trying to kill _me._ And it was only because of those damn sissy spells what you avoided me opening up a can of whup-ass on you!"

"'Can of whup –ass'? What is this, the eighties?"

"Like you would know."

"I was already long dead by then you fool! And kidou is not _sissy_ you moronic-"

The others on the room had their heads flicking from one to the other in eerie stereo. Their faces had a peculiar expression of incredulity and slight awe.

"Did that stick hurt when it was shoved up your ass?"

"Kurosaki, with that pathetic insult, I believe the worlds collective IQ just dropped into the negatives, provided it wasn't already there with your continued existence."

"Oh, listen to mister fancypants! You-"

"'Fancypants'? You are just full of ways to make yourself look stupid aren't you?"

"Hmph, at least you're not swearing anymore. I guess you're all uptight again."

"Fuck you."

* * *

_End_

Stupid ending I know. But I thought it was slightly funny. Anyway, this was rattling around me head for a while. And when it came to me at four in the morning, I damn well wrote it at four in the morning! Of course, I didn't to sleep until half five, whereupon the dawn chorus kept me awake until six. But I slept until noon, so it's all good. ;)

The watermelon shots really do exist. Although their watermelon taste leaves isn't quite so watermelon-y. Here's the recipe. Hopefully this won't get me banned.

1 part vodka  
1 part amaretto almond liqueur  
1 part Southern Comfort peach liqueur  
fill with orange juice  
pineapple juice  
1 dash of grenadine syrup

Shake well with ice. Pour into shot glass. Enjoy. Drink responsibly.


End file.
